The Buddha said What?

It’s wonderful to discover that what we want is not actually happiness. It is not actually what I would speak of. I would speak of joy. Joy subsumes happiness. Joy is the far greater thing. Think of a mother who is going to give birth. Almost all of us want to escape pain. And mothers know that they are going to have pain, the great pain of giving birth. But they accept it. And even after the most painful labor, once the baby is out, you can’t measure the mother’s joy. It is one of those incredible things that joy can come so quickly from suffering.

The Dalai Lama, The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing world

As a young college student of Ancient Indian Culture, I met the Buddha in a chapter that I would be tested and marked on. The twelve-step cycle of dependence, the four noble truths, the three jewels of liberation — it all sounded very easy to memorise with its mathematical precision. As long as I could quote the list, I could attempt a full score.

As a thirty-year-old who has been through depression and reclaimed memories of child abuse, it doesn’t seem all that linear and mathematical anymore. Where I once admired the intellectual clean lines of Buddhism (and I still do), I am now grateful to connect with the philosophy on a deeper level in my heart and my whole body. I suspect I’ll spend my lifetime trying to understand all aspects, but here are a few that I reconnected with recently –

How did I get trapped in my fragile state?
I used to often feel as though there was an invisible elastic wrapper around me that trapped me. When I pushed, I pushed it too, and nothing I did would make me feel as though I could escape it. It was in this state of entrapment that god, religion, gurus, mentors, all seemed tempting as an outside force that could free me. I have come to see since, that all the forces in the world couldn’t help me if I wouldn’t let them. The change had to begin with me. But where to start?

Buddhism is atheistic. All work is meant to be done within, with the help of the teachings. And the teachings are so elegant, if a bit complex at first. Here’s what I came to see about why I felt trapped in the first place*.

1. Ignorance — When I don’t know any better, I learn based on Impressions.
2. Impressions — Impressions are formed from what I focus my consciousness on.
3. Consciousness — Consciousness gets automatically directed to things with name and form in a physical world.
4. Name and Form — The mind tries to categorise the information that comes from the senses.
5. The six senses — Taste, Smell, Sight, Touch and Sound become the way to reach out.
6. Reaching out — I reach out when I experience sensations
7. Sensation — I sense when I thirst for experience
8. Thirst — I thirst for experience when I am grasping for something
9. Grasp — I grasp when I am in the process of becoming someone
10. Becoming — I want to become someone once I am born into this world
11. (Re)Birth — I am born again after old age and death
12. Old age and death — Old age and death are perceived from ignorance

That is to say, I create my reality based on the foundation of previous experiences. And every experience is built based on interactions with the world. More often than not, the world teaches thirsting after and grasping for sensory pleasure and elusive happiness. But this grasping only leads to further ignorance. When I want a house, a car, children, showing off to my friends, an unlimited bank balance — there is no end to desires for fleeting pleasures. But in that process, I’m trading my innate joy for ignorance. I choose to be trapped.

How do I get out of this trap?

Once I realised that I choose my trap, the doorway to walk away from it was wide open. My elastic bodysuit suddenly had a zipper. Buddhism offers a way out of the trap through the four noble truths.

Why are they noble?
Perhaps because they offer a way out of unbelievable suffering.

How?
By accepting it as reality instead of projecting on some heavenly utopia.

1. The first of the noble truths is that suffering is inevitable. The sooner we come to terms with it, the sooner we can be on our way to figure out what to do about it.
2. The second truth reiterates that suffering emerges from craving endless pleasures and never-ending desires.
3. The third optimistically points a way out. Stop craving, stop being disappointed. (Much easier said than done.)
4. The fourth step says that by following the path laid out by the teachings of the Buddha, one can be truly free. The path offers guidance on perspective, resolve, action, speech, livelihood, effort, mindfulness and concentration**.

For me, this means boundaries. Understanding clearly who I am, what my goals are, and what I would choose to keep and discard in my life based on that clarity. Greater the clarity, greater the capacity to detach from craving for approval, amenities and attachments. I have come to see that I cannot change what has happened to me so far. I can merely change what happens next by choosing every moment, every day, to see my reality as it is, no matter how ugly or scary or deformed, and work, step by step, towards the reality I want to create.

What will inspire me to walk the path of clarity everyday?

Finding clarity once is one thing. But to keep finding it as a practice, to not feel let down or disappointed when I falter (which I regularly do), to keep inspiring myself to move forward is a huge undertaking. I am still a growing baby in this aspect, but here’s what I have learned from the three jewels of freedom –

1. There have been buddhas — people who have mastered ignorance. I remain inspired by knowing that others have escaped the trap, and continue to do so.
2. There are teachings in place. Teachings are everywhere, not just in the texts of one tradition. I learn as much from the five elements, loved ones, college degrees and cats as I do from understanding these scriptures. But remaining in a state of learning and curiosity is a great way to remain inspired and clear.
3. Find community. Perhaps the greatest lie that I have ever believed is that I am unique in my suffering. When I look around I see that everyone is on their own journey, and there is magnificent joy and inspiration in holding hands and walking together.

Ever since I first scraped together the courage to start talking about my depression and abuse, I have been hearing stories of support and solidarity, of inspiration and courage. I remain inspired everyday by seeing kindness and compassion flow around me, by trying to learn from the smallest instance, the biggest interaction, and by sharing my life with friends and loved ones.

This is not easy by any means, but it is not meant to be easy. As long as I am alive, trapped in some form of ignorance or the other, suffering is inevitable. I find my joy in choosing not to run after temporary pleasures and staying instead in a lasting state of balance. I choose my life, my time, my relationships and my activities. And while I choose, I make mistakes. Then I choose to be compassionate with myself and others as more suffering makes its way around. And so it goes, again and again.

As a young college student, I rejoiced at the marks I earned after rote-learning the tenets of Buddhism. As a thirty year old, I rejoice in the essence of the teachings that flows through me every day.

Note — I am no expert, academically or religiously, in the tenets of Buddhism. If my interpretation of any teachings offends you, I apologise for your hurt, and maintain that this is my interpretation, my relationship with what Gautam Buddha said that I am sharing here.

For those of you interested in the intellectual aspects of the tenets, Wikipedia has a commendable collection of perspectives and interpretations by people much more learned than I. You can begin your journey down the rabbit hole of learning here

*Pratityasamutpada, the twelve-step cycle of dependent origination talks about feeling trapped. Link here.

*Details about the noble eightfold path here.

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